Northward Midget

Category: Me

Posts primarily about myself.

  • Lithium – 900mg

    Last night was a rough one.  Not sure if it had anything to do with the lithium; probably more a case of a particularly typically awful day at work.

    2016-12-14 (Wednesday)

    Woke up early today.  Took the first morning 300mg.  I’d divvied up all my morning and night doses in a pill reminder box.  I could skip a day with just the Wellbutrin and friends, but don’t wanna miss one with lithium in the mix.

    Got to work early, too.  Despite it being the usual day of meandering mapping of our ancient and byzantine code base, it went pretty quickly.

    We’re in the throes of a blizzard now.  I got home around 6PM after a quick pickup of a 1.75 of vodka and a few handfuls of frozen dinners and pizzas.

    Don’t yet notice anything different with the 900mg starting into my system.

    2016-12-15 (Thursday)

    Poop issues seem to have dried up.  Back to the usual constipation due to unusually high cheese consumption.  “They say you are what you eat, and I am freakin’ cheese.”  No other physical effects except a slight occasional headache that disappears in minutes, which I can probably blame on insufficient hydration.

    Mood has been steady today and yesterday.  I’d stop updating until something obvious happens, but there may be subtle changes that get caught in my net of daily trivial minutia.  Actually, work was a little easier to take today, and I did some things I wouldn’t usually initiate, so that might be something.

    Hmm.  No sexual side effects.  They aren’t mentioned, so that’s not really worth noting, but I’ll try to be more aware of my body during adult play dates with the special lady friend.  Ain’t no harm in that!

    2016-12-16 (Friday)

    Home alone.   Watched “The Best Years Of Our Lives” on TCM.

    2016-12-17 (Saturday)

    Had the girls for our usual Saturday, except it was the birthday of Daughter the Younger.  Got her a metal Firefly pendant from Etsy, with her name and number etched onto the reverse.  It’s from the PS4 game “The Last Of Us”.  She’s a huge fan.  Beat the game several times.  Was all squealy when she got it, so I can consider it a success.

    She had a Girl Scout gathering downtown from noon until 3PM.  As the Daughter the Elder and I were driving to pick her up, the exhaust system of my 2001 Forester ka-chunked from its noisy but acceptable exhaust system into a vibrating beast with the roar of an epileptic foghorn.  So, that got my stomach in a knot.  Maybe it’s time to knuckle down on that second Lending Club loan to pay off the first, and my credit cards, and obtain a down-payment for a new car.

    We had a date with Leslie to see “Rogue One” at 4:10.  As I was taking the girls from the Younger’s event to the theatre,  I ran a red light and almost hit a plow-truck.  I’m always anxious driving downtown, but now my car was howling and rumbling under my seat and it was too much going on at once.  Luckily, nobody and nothing was hurt.  Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

    “Rogue One” was good.  A war movie, basically.  We went to Friendly’s for dinner.  After dropping the kids off at their mom’s house, I went home and Leslie and I watched Star Wars movies until she fell asleep on the couch and we both went to bed.

    2016-12-18 (Sunday)

    Leslie and I lazed around the house all day watching more Star Wars.  Then miscellaneous movies, ending with her falling asleep halfway through Maleficent.

    2016-12-19 (Monday)

    There doesn’t seem to be much of a point going on with these until something remarkable changes, but I’ll try to keep at least a note or two every day.

    I keep forgetting the daily “Do you wanna off yourself?”

    I suppose I’d go for that now, yeah, if it were just the switch.

     

     

     

     

  • Lithium – And the Situation

    Went to bed yesterday around noon-thirty while spending a sick day at home, mostly out of boredom. Woke up at 5PM. While finishing leftover potatoes and brussels sprouts, I watched the tail end of “Don’t Make Waves” with Tony Curtis (with Sharon Tate), then a few episodes of “How the Universe Works” before settling into a funk that had me definitely wanting to flick the switch.

    I took my double-double of Klonopin and lithium and went back to bed around 9PM. Surprisingly, I slept through the night.

    2016-12-13 (Tuesday)

    Woke up feeling as I usually do on a work day.  Took my morning cocktail of a Klonopin, 30mg of Adderall IR and 300mg of Wellbutrin XR.  Tomorrow we add the third and final 300mg lithium.

    Started the car to let it warm up while I ate a naked toasted waffle and watched part of Robert Young in “H.M. Pulham, Esq.”, a curiosity from 1941 about a privileged man who lost his One True Love, told mostly in flashbacks.   Co-starred Hedy Lamar, whose eternal ethereal beauty made it difficult to pry myself away and drive the couple blocks to work just before 9AM.

    Yes, I certainly do want to pull the switch this morning.

    I’ve anticipatory anxiety about a dozen different things.  I’m yelling at my inner demons to “Shut up!” more than usual.  Guilt about the past.  Worry over the future.  Dissatisfaction bordering on suicidal misery with regards to my job.

    The Adderall mania only lasts about an hour.  It’s a good hour.  If I dose myself before the shower, I get some good ideas on projects and work doesn’t seem so bad.  However, by the time I’m in the office, had my coffee, and finished catching up on e-mail, the two stimulants have conspired to slingshot me into cold empty space for the rest of the day.

    I wonder if any drug can pull me out of this pit I’ve dug.

    I doubt it.

    …

    It’s after 9PM now.  Watching “Umberto D” on TCM.  I can’t think straight.  I’m hungry.  Went to see the younger’s concert tonight.  Seating was awkward.  Felt alien in the crowd.  They said the Pledge.  I remained seated.

    Fuck it.  I’m always going to be like this.

  • Lithium

    After exhausting the pharmacopoeia of most depression-fighting medications, my drug dealer finally prescribed lithium.  After I’d suggested it.  A special fellow crazy person to whom I am attached has been taking it with spectacular results, although with a bipolar history.  My disorderly mental health record has consisted mostly of deep and dark troughs and void of manic highs save for the few hours after my morning Adderall.  Nevertheless, lithium is (one of?) the only medications proven to reduce rates of suicide.  Let’s hope it does something for my particular bitter flavor of aberrant mental health.

    I picked up the hefty bottle of 300mg capsules tonight at Rite-Aid.  December 8th.  The dosage begins with one nightly for three days, then two a night for three more days, then one in the morning and two before bed thereafter.  I see the doctor again after the holidays, and will have blood drawn a week before for him to gauge the concentration and efficacy of the stuff in my body.

    The side effects are as follows.

    • Drowsiness
    • Dizziness
    • Tiredness
    • Increased thirst
    • Increased frequency of urination
    • Weight gain
    • Hand tremors
    • Diarrhea
    • Unsteady walk
    • Confusion
    • Slurred speech
    • Blurred vision (or other changes in vision)
    • Joint swelling
    • Muscle weakness
    • Pain/discoloration of finger/toes
    • Cold hands/feet (already have this problem)
    • Changes in heart rate

    I’ll keep daily notes including any occurrence of the above, plus any remarkable mood changes, and the answer to the question, “If you could have it done with the flip of a switch, would you kill yourself now?”

    I don’t plan on cutting back on the 3-4 nightly drinks of vodka.

    2016-12-09 (Friday)

    One 300mg before bed last night.  Slept OK.  Woke up every hour and a half as usual.  Stomach felt a little achey-empty until I had some yogurt and then an Atkins “meal” at work.

    Had my usual every-other-week appointment with talky-doctor Gandalf.  Discussed lithium side effects and possible outcomes.  Ended by mentioning the “Bicameral Mind” theory from Westworld.  Left, went home, had two drinks of vodka in a tall tumbler, waited for Leslie– my special lady friend.

    She arrived at 8:30 with her doggy fur-kids Beanie and Pickles.  We watched “Expedition Unknown” for a while, then a few episodes of the original “Star Trek” on BBC America after ordering a bacon cheeseburger and a turkey club sub from Franco’s.  Maybe another two drinks during the night.  Not much more than usual.  None of this is particularly relevant to lithium.  Maybe the notes on food and drink will be useful “postmortem”.

    Around 11pm, I took my nightly 2x of 0.5 Klonopin tabs, and the second nightly single 300mg lithium.

    Just before bed, our mutual friend “MJ” called.  After speaking to her for a few minutes, according to Leslie, I suddenly became rigid, eyes wide open, skin ashen, and started mumbling incoherently.  After some indeterminate time of this (no more than a few minutes), I “came back” and asked what happened.  Leslie said I’d passed out.  She’d tried to take my pulse, but couldn’t find it, and I later found out she was close to calling 911.  Pickles had rushed to my side and was licking me with concern.  Maybe they sense something electrical with a seizure.  That’s what we decided to call it.

    The most probable explanation is a sudden drop in blood pressure.  I couldn’t stand for more than a few seconds before going faint again.  Took me a half hour or more to make it up the stairs– after a … a “wet” visit to the bathroom, so check that on the list of side effects.  After crawling under the covers, body still slightly stiff under a dull ache, head harboring a bit of a low and steady pain, I put on the old-time radio.  After mumbling commentary on “CBS Radio Mystery Theater” for about twenty minutes, I fell asleep.

    I’ve occasional issues with dizziness when rising too fast, but this was way beyond the usual.

    Maybe it was an exorcism.  A generation of depression and anxiety fleeing my body in a ceremony of spasms and a soliloquy in tongues.

    It was probably MJ.

    2016-12-10 (Saturday)

    Woke up feeling no worse than usual.  The girls came over around 10AM, then Leslie left with her little dogies.  Had another wet visit to the WC.

    C is on the PS4 and A on the XB1 playing Fallout, and I’ll be pulling over the PC monitor and joining them.  Any noteworthy incidents will (hopefully) wait until tonight.  Don’t wanna scare the girls.

    …

    No light-headed moments of alarm today.  The exit is still slippery and it’s getting disgustingly tiresome mentioning it, so I’ll refrain from chronicles of my diarrhea until it goes away.  You’re welcome.

    Had a great visit with the girls.  Ordered pizza and wings around noon.  They camped in their “Big Joe” bean bag chairs and we all played Fallout while my other PC looped holiday favorites like “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas” and the electric fireplace flicked warmth as it fizzled snow in the frigid December air outside.

    I really enjoyed the day with them.  It seemed as if some of my anxiety was gone, and I was able to just enjoy the time with them.

    They’re back with their mom now.  I’m watching King Kong while drinking my first vodka of the night.  I hear Leslie pulling in now, so settling in for another night with her and the pups.  Hopefully seizure-free.

    2016-12-11 (Sunday)

    Slept late.  Played Fallout.  Watched “Three Godfathers” and “Christmas in Connecticut”.

    Late afternoon, DDM called and asked me to take the younger to soccer practice due to car trouble, so I did that around 4:30, then took her back home around 6PM.  When I came back, Leslie had made chicken, brussels sprouts, and potatoes for dinner.

    She’s a good one, sometimes.   Most of the time.

    We watched “Frozen”.  She hadn’t seen it before.  I cried a few times, but that’s normal.  Best Disney movie ever.  She made chocolate chip cookies and we ate them warm before catching the coat hanger scene from “Mommie Dearest”.

    Doubled the dosage tonight.  Slight headache before bed, but quickly faded away after a romp and the creaking door.

    2016-12-12 (Monday)

    Slept decently last night after the first 600mg bedtime dose.  Only woke up twice that I can remember– fewer than the 90-minute intervals my central sleep apnea usual deals me.

    Leslie and I lingered in bed for a while, doing what couples do and then reading offensive jokes on Quora.

    I felt “off”, which was enough to justify taking half of my 16 remaining hours for a Monday sick day.  Nothing to do with the lithium.  The stomach is a little bothered, but that’s probably just hunger.  Pardon the stool disclosure, but my nether leavings have stiffened somewhat.

    Work hasn’t been satisfying for a long time.  That’s another question I should be asking myself– oh shit.  I’ve been forgetting to ask if I wanted to kill myself every night.  I suppose forgetting about it means something.

    Would I kill myself now if I could do it with the flip of a switch?  Probably not, but there’s a heavy fog in my head keeping me from making decisions.  Even those involving only a twitch of the death nerve.