Went to bed yesterday around noon-thirty while spending a sick day at home, mostly out of boredom. Woke up at 5PM. While finishing leftover potatoes and brussels sprouts, I watched the tail end of “Don’t Make Waves” with Tony Curtis (with Sharon Tate), then a few episodes of “How the Universe Works” before settling into a funk that had me definitely wanting to flick the switch.
I took my double-double of Klonopin and lithium and went back to bed around 9PM. Surprisingly, I slept through the night.
2016-12-13 (Tuesday)
Woke up feeling as I usually do on a work day. Took my morning cocktail of a Klonopin, 30mg of Adderall IR and 300mg of Wellbutrin XR. Tomorrow we add the third and final 300mg lithium.
Started the car to let it warm up while I ate a naked toasted waffle and watched part of Robert Young in “H.M. Pulham, Esq.”, a curiosity from 1941 about a privileged man who lost his One True Love, told mostly in flashbacks. Co-starred Hedy Lamar, whose eternal ethereal beauty made it difficult to pry myself away and drive the couple blocks to work just before 9AM.
Yes, I certainly do want to pull the switch this morning.
I’ve anticipatory anxiety about a dozen different things. I’m yelling at my inner demons to “Shut up!” more than usual. Guilt about the past. Worry over the future. Dissatisfaction bordering on suicidal misery with regards to my job.
The Adderall mania only lasts about an hour. It’s a good hour. If I dose myself before the shower, I get some good ideas on projects and work doesn’t seem so bad. However, by the time I’m in the office, had my coffee, and finished catching up on e-mail, the two stimulants have conspired to slingshot me into cold empty space for the rest of the day.
I wonder if any drug can pull me out of this pit I’ve dug.
I doubt it.
…
It’s after 9PM now. Watching “Umberto D” on TCM. I can’t think straight. I’m hungry. Went to see the younger’s concert tonight. Seating was awkward. Felt alien in the crowd. They said the Pledge. I remained seated.
Fuck it. I’m always going to be like this.
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