Northward Midget

Tag: anxiety

  • Lithium – 900mg

    Last night was a rough one.  Not sure if it had anything to do with the lithium; probably more a case of a particularly typically awful day at work.

    2016-12-14 (Wednesday)

    Woke up early today.  Took the first morning 300mg.  I’d divvied up all my morning and night doses in a pill reminder box.  I could skip a day with just the Wellbutrin and friends, but don’t wanna miss one with lithium in the mix.

    Got to work early, too.  Despite it being the usual day of meandering mapping of our ancient and byzantine code base, it went pretty quickly.

    We’re in the throes of a blizzard now.  I got home around 6PM after a quick pickup of a 1.75 of vodka and a few handfuls of frozen dinners and pizzas.

    Don’t yet notice anything different with the 900mg starting into my system.

    2016-12-15 (Thursday)

    Poop issues seem to have dried up.  Back to the usual constipation due to unusually high cheese consumption.  “They say you are what you eat, and I am freakin’ cheese.”  No other physical effects except a slight occasional headache that disappears in minutes, which I can probably blame on insufficient hydration.

    Mood has been steady today and yesterday.  I’d stop updating until something obvious happens, but there may be subtle changes that get caught in my net of daily trivial minutia.  Actually, work was a little easier to take today, and I did some things I wouldn’t usually initiate, so that might be something.

    Hmm.  No sexual side effects.  They aren’t mentioned, so that’s not really worth noting, but I’ll try to be more aware of my body during adult play dates with the special lady friend.  Ain’t no harm in that!

    2016-12-16 (Friday)

    Home alone.   Watched “The Best Years Of Our Lives” on TCM.

    2016-12-17 (Saturday)

    Had the girls for our usual Saturday, except it was the birthday of Daughter the Younger.  Got her a metal Firefly pendant from Etsy, with her name and number etched onto the reverse.  It’s from the PS4 game “The Last Of Us”.  She’s a huge fan.  Beat the game several times.  Was all squealy when she got it, so I can consider it a success.

    She had a Girl Scout gathering downtown from noon until 3PM.  As the Daughter the Elder and I were driving to pick her up, the exhaust system of my 2001 Forester ka-chunked from its noisy but acceptable exhaust system into a vibrating beast with the roar of an epileptic foghorn.  So, that got my stomach in a knot.  Maybe it’s time to knuckle down on that second Lending Club loan to pay off the first, and my credit cards, and obtain a down-payment for a new car.

    We had a date with Leslie to see “Rogue One” at 4:10.  As I was taking the girls from the Younger’s event to the theatre,  I ran a red light and almost hit a plow-truck.  I’m always anxious driving downtown, but now my car was howling and rumbling under my seat and it was too much going on at once.  Luckily, nobody and nothing was hurt.  Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

    “Rogue One” was good.  A war movie, basically.  We went to Friendly’s for dinner.  After dropping the kids off at their mom’s house, I went home and Leslie and I watched Star Wars movies until she fell asleep on the couch and we both went to bed.

    2016-12-18 (Sunday)

    Leslie and I lazed around the house all day watching more Star Wars.  Then miscellaneous movies, ending with her falling asleep halfway through Maleficent.

    2016-12-19 (Monday)

    There doesn’t seem to be much of a point going on with these until something remarkable changes, but I’ll try to keep at least a note or two every day.

    I keep forgetting the daily “Do you wanna off yourself?”

    I suppose I’d go for that now, yeah, if it were just the switch.

     

     

     

     

  • Lithium – And the Situation

    Went to bed yesterday around noon-thirty while spending a sick day at home, mostly out of boredom. Woke up at 5PM. While finishing leftover potatoes and brussels sprouts, I watched the tail end of “Don’t Make Waves” with Tony Curtis (with Sharon Tate), then a few episodes of “How the Universe Works” before settling into a funk that had me definitely wanting to flick the switch.

    I took my double-double of Klonopin and lithium and went back to bed around 9PM. Surprisingly, I slept through the night.

    2016-12-13 (Tuesday)

    Woke up feeling as I usually do on a work day.  Took my morning cocktail of a Klonopin, 30mg of Adderall IR and 300mg of Wellbutrin XR.  Tomorrow we add the third and final 300mg lithium.

    Started the car to let it warm up while I ate a naked toasted waffle and watched part of Robert Young in “H.M. Pulham, Esq.”, a curiosity from 1941 about a privileged man who lost his One True Love, told mostly in flashbacks.   Co-starred Hedy Lamar, whose eternal ethereal beauty made it difficult to pry myself away and drive the couple blocks to work just before 9AM.

    Yes, I certainly do want to pull the switch this morning.

    I’ve anticipatory anxiety about a dozen different things.  I’m yelling at my inner demons to “Shut up!” more than usual.  Guilt about the past.  Worry over the future.  Dissatisfaction bordering on suicidal misery with regards to my job.

    The Adderall mania only lasts about an hour.  It’s a good hour.  If I dose myself before the shower, I get some good ideas on projects and work doesn’t seem so bad.  However, by the time I’m in the office, had my coffee, and finished catching up on e-mail, the two stimulants have conspired to slingshot me into cold empty space for the rest of the day.

    I wonder if any drug can pull me out of this pit I’ve dug.

    I doubt it.

    …

    It’s after 9PM now.  Watching “Umberto D” on TCM.  I can’t think straight.  I’m hungry.  Went to see the younger’s concert tonight.  Seating was awkward.  Felt alien in the crowd.  They said the Pledge.  I remained seated.

    Fuck it.  I’m always going to be like this.