Gubmint Don’t Want You Sober

A few hours ago, I started drinking again. I talked about it with my forever person first, because I promised I would.

A few days ago, a good old friend offered me a job. He’s got influence in hiring. It was perfect. Except it was a government contract with the”Department of War”, so required a drug test. I’m a regular user of THC in NYS, where it is legal to be. But not in Trump’s whacky hypocritical administration.

I can quit one thing cold turkey, but if you take away all my mind altering drugs, I can’t cope. That isn’t being an addict. That’s needing help that prescription medicine can’t give.

My depression is different than most. Most people who are depressed don’t want to live because they are depressed. I’m depressed because I don’t want to live. It’s existential depression, and normally psychologists don’t study this “intellectual depression” and we need specialized help, mostly to reshape our thinking. I feel the same awfulness that other depressed people feel, but suicidal ideation is a solution, not a symptom. I’ve never had that specialized therapy. My therapists just tell me I’m a genius and laugh at my humor and would probably pay me for the entertainment and insight I give them.

Totally giving up any euphoric meds makes my life, well, unlivable. I need something to elevate me past my Dead Point and into genuine interaction with others.

So, I’m now an active alcoholic again. Blame the government or blame my willpower, but that’s where we are now.