Gubmint Don’t Want You Sober
A few hours ago, I started drinking again. I talked about it with my forever person first, because I promised I would.
A few days ago, a good old friend offered me a job. He’s got influence in hiring. It was perfect. Except it was a government contract with the”Department of War”, so required a drug test. I’m a regular user of THC in NYS, where it is legal to be. But not in Trump’s whacky hypocritical administration.
I can quit one thing cold turkey, but if you take away all my mind altering drugs, I can’t cope. That isn’t being an addict. That’s needing help that prescription medicine can’t give.
My depression is different than most. Most people who are depressed don’t want to live because they are depressed. I’m depressed because I don’t want to live. It’s existential depression, and normally psychologists don’t study this “intellectual depression” and we need specialized help, mostly to reshape our thinking. I feel the same awfulness that other depressed people feel, but suicidal ideation is a solution, not a symptom.
I’ve never had that. My psychologists just tell me I’m a genius and laugh at my humor and probably would pay to see ME.
SO, gubmint, you are forcing me to stop being sober. By demonizing the relatively innocuous THC, you don’t care a freaking wit about how much someone drinks.
Alcohol is a poison. A feel-good poison, but a poison nevertheless.
Yes, I could push through the few days it would take me to forget marijuana, but that’s like you staying awake for a weekend just to prove your can go without sleep.
Totally giving up any euphoric meds makes my life, well, unlivable. I need something to elevate me past my Dead Point and into genuine interaction with others.
The woman agreed, even saying she was going to suggest it. Maybe because I’ve not been giving my intimacy just because I don’t feel like it, regardless of what she needs. Like she does with sex. No libido. Well, I’ve got no affection libido, so feel it for a while.
I’m not really bitter. I know she loves me, and I love her. I just don’t think she understands how important intimacy is to me.
So, I’m now an active alcoholic again. Blame the government or blame my willpower, but that’s where we are now.
