From Parnate to Nardil

Last week my doctor switched me from Parnate (tranylcypromine) to Nardil (phenelzine).

At least it’s easier to spell.

Yesterday at work my friends kept asking if I was high.  I was very tired, maybe slightly euphoric in that tired kind of way.  Not a particularly pleasant high, unless all I had to do was sit in the sun.  Not if I had to correct the code of others in the middle of a deploy.

After work, I had a date at the pub up the hill.  I don’t know how it went.  It seemed fine to me.  I don’t think I did or said anything particularly offensive, as I am wont to do.   I like her, she’s attractive, was fun to talk and be with.  It was a good time, and then it ended.

Eh, it was a Monday night.  Whaddya gonna do.

Nardil isn’t making me any happier.  On the contrary, I feel somewhat worse than when I was on a steady flow of the former MAOI.

I’ve got to admit a gross violation of the suggested dietary restrictions for MAOI and any other anti-depressant.

I consume alcohol daily.  Sometimes not a lot, just a beer or two.  Sometimes an awful lot (a bottle of wine or a bottle of whiskey apportioned in overpriced servings), sometimes nothing at all.  But I do it, and I know I’m not supposed to, but fuck that.

It’s the only thing that makes me feel “good” at the moment.

So, I’m not giving that up.  It isn’t going to happen.  Same with smoking, although that doesn’t affect the anti-depressants.

Maybe Nardil is less tolerant of alcohol than Parnate.  I’ve read bad things about most of its “hydrazine” class being recalled due to hepatoxicity.

In any case.

Sometimes.

I realize, where I’ve landed.

And, although I say I am happier than I ever was when married, and in a sense, I really am, when compared to the loveless marriage of the past few years, and others think so, too.

Sometimes.

I wonder.

Where is my beautiful wife?  Where are my beautiful girls?  Why am I all alone?

Why am I fucking crying?