Went to bed yesterday around noon-thirty while spending a sick day at home, mostly out of boredom. Woke up at 5PM. While finishing leftover potatoes and brussels sprouts, I watched the tail end of “Don’t Make Waves” with Tony Curtis (with Sharon Tate), then a few episodes of “How the Universe Works” before settling into a funk that had me definitely wanting to flick the switch.<\/p>\n
I took my double-double of Klonopin and lithium and went back to bed around 9PM. Surprisingly, I slept through the night.<\/p>\n
Woke up feeling as I usually do on a work day. \u00a0Took my morning cocktail of a Klonopin, 30mg of Adderall IR and 300mg of Wellbutrin XR. \u00a0Tomorrow we add the third and final 300mg lithium.<\/p>\n
Started the car to let it warm up while I ate a naked\u00a0toasted waffle and watched part of Robert Young in “H.M. Pulham, Esq.”, a curiosity from 1941 about a privileged man who lost his One True Love, told mostly in flashbacks. \u00a0 Co-starred Hedy Lamar, whose eternal ethereal beauty made it difficult to pry myself away and drive the couple blocks to work just before 9AM.<\/p>\n
Yes, I certainly do want to pull the switch this morning.<\/p>\n
I’ve anticipatory anxiety about a dozen different things. \u00a0I’m\u00a0yelling at my inner demons to “Shut up!” more than usual. \u00a0Guilt about the past. \u00a0Worry over the future. \u00a0Dissatisfaction bordering on suicidal misery with regards to\u00a0my job.<\/p>\n
The Adderall mania only lasts about an hour. \u00a0It’s a good hour. \u00a0If I dose myself before the shower, I get some good ideas on projects and work doesn’t seem so bad. \u00a0However, by the time I’m in the office, had my coffee, and finished catching up on e-mail, the two stimulants\u00a0have conspired to slingshot\u00a0me into cold empty space for the rest of the day.<\/p>\n
I wonder if any drug can pull me out of this pit I’ve dug.<\/p>\n
I doubt it.<\/p>\n
…<\/p>\n
It’s after 9PM now. \u00a0Watching “Umberto D” on TCM. \u00a0I can’t think straight. \u00a0I’m hungry. \u00a0Went to see the younger’s concert tonight. \u00a0Seating was awkward. \u00a0Felt alien in the crowd. \u00a0They said the Pledge. \u00a0I remained seated.<\/p>\n
Fuck it. \u00a0I’m always going to be like this.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Went to bed yesterday around noon-thirty while spending a sick day at home, mostly out of boredom. Woke up at 5PM. While finishing leftover potatoes and brussels sprouts, I watched the tail end of “Don’t Make Waves” with Tony Curtis (with Sharon Tate), then a few episodes of “How the Universe Works” before settling into […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14,84],"tags":[86,3,87,89,85],"class_list":["post-647","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-me","category-mental-health","tag-anxiety","tag-depression","tag-lithium","tag-raw","tag-work"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/647","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=647"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/647\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":657,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/647\/revisions\/657"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=647"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=647"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=647"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}