For\u00a0an “alcoholic”, there is only one problem– alcohol.<\/p>\n
At that first AA meeting, when I raised my hand and said, “I’m Quinn and I’m an alcoholic”, I bargained with myself that it was some sort of truth. \u00a0Major regrettable events had transpired which, without alcohol, would have been mere forgettable incidents. \u00a0I have problems associated with\u00a0alcohol, like a racist has problems associated with race. \u00a0So, I’m an alcoholic, right?<\/p>\n
No, I’m not– and I won’t call myself that again.<\/p>\n
I’ve never liked the term “racist”, either.<\/p>\n
This “alcoholic” thinking is dangerous. \u00a0Instead of calmly evaluating and confronting anxieties,\u00a0one turns them into opportunities to triumph over this demon they’ve concocted as their nemesis. \u00a0 That bottle of vodka is your Moriarty. \u00a0 You dreamt that\u00a0he\u00a0beat your mother when you were a kid, or maybe he was a priest you remembered touching you in your private\u00a0place. \u00a0Nevermind reality. \u00a0It’s a matter of degrees, and even then it’s inconsequential if you’re substituting fighting\u00a0your real<\/em> problems with defeating\u00a0an imaginary enemy.<\/p>\n I went to an SOS meeting today– day six of sobriety. \u00a0The\u00a0longer I’m sober, the less I think it really matters.<\/p>\n Surely, I lose control when drunk. \u00a0Surely, I make bad decisions. \u00a0With sex. \u00a0With driving. \u00a0Probably some other things I either can’t remember or on which I’m taking the Fifth (750ml), but many I recall slapping myself over in the shower the morning after.<\/p>\n How could I have been so stupid<\/em>? \u00a0Why\u00a0would\u00a0\u00a0I have risked<\/em> that? \u00a0What was I thinking<\/em>?<\/p>\n I was<\/em> stupid. \u00a0I was<\/em> reckless. \u00a0I was not<\/em> thinking.<\/p>\n Being drunk cranked up the volume, but it was my tune, and\u00a0it wasn’t booze singing it– it was me.<\/p>\n Walking down the stairs of my empty office building tonight, going home late as has been lately, that “alcoholic thinking” popped into my head, and I had to\u00a0shake it out in\u00a0disgust. \u00a0I’ve got real problems. \u00a0A lot of them. \u00a0I don’t want to live. \u00a0If every cell in me wasn’t screaming to continue its miserable life\u00a0and I could just flip an “off” switch, I’d be long gone by now. \u00a0Living without a will to live is a problem. \u00a0 Not even wanting to want<\/em> to live is a problem. \u00a0“High-functioning sociopathy”, “depersonalisation”, \u00a0“generalized anxiety”, “severe chronic depression”.<\/p>\n Alcohol makes those problems worse, but alcohol ain’t my problem.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" For\u00a0an “alcoholic”, there is only one problem– alcohol. At that first AA meeting, when I raised my hand and said, “I’m Quinn and I’m an alcoholic”, I bargained with myself that it was some sort of truth. \u00a0Major regrettable events had transpired which, without alcohol, would have been mere forgettable incidents. \u00a0I have problems associated […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[64,3,38,89],"class_list":["post-528","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-me","tag-alcoholism","tag-depression","tag-existentialism","tag-raw"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/528","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=528"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/528\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":529,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/528\/revisions\/529"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=528"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=528"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=528"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}