Every night I come home with the faint and irrational hope that something will be different, better, changed, fixed.\u00a0 Where did I go so goddamned wrong?\u00a0 How did it get to this point?<\/p>\n
This isn’t worthy of an entry.\u00a0 I’m just talking to myself.\u00a0 The blog has been delinked from my fazigu.org homepage.\u00a0 Only visitors to tijuanabibles.org seemed to have found their way here.<\/p>\n
I talked to her about the situation tonight.\u00a0 I don’t know why.\u00a0 I know all there is to know.\u00a0 There’s still that faint hope that she’ll make a complete turnaround and love me again.<\/p>\n
If you’re reading this, you probably know me, and I’m sorry to break it to you this way, but my marriage isn’t doing so well.<\/p>\n
She tells me other families are better.\u00a0 They have problems and the spouses work together to solve them.\u00a0 In our family, I dismiss them.\u00a0 That’s true as far as things like the crack in the wall in the girl’s room goes, or even chipped paint, or a cracked flue, or ants, or a leaking skylight.\u00a0 Maybe I am<\/em> willfully oblivious to all these problems with the house.\u00a0 We’re just renting.\u00a0 What can I do?\u00a0 It’s an awesome neighborhood, and most of\u00a0 these things are cosmetic problems.\u00a0 I don’t mind cosmetic problems.<\/p>\n But she does, and I don’t sympathize, at least.<\/p>\n My shrink tells me I try too hard to see the other side of things, to see her side of things.\u00a0 I think she (my shrink) is giving me too much credit.\u00a0 I wish she’d be harder on me.\u00a0 I must be a pretty goddamned awful person, else I wouldn’t be in this situation, right?<\/p>\n I checked in on OKCupid.com and my wife had sent me a message.\u00a0 It just said “woo” or something, but it was sweet.\u00a0 It was from 2008.<\/p>\n I found an old birthday card in the car.\u00a0 It was “from” our eldest, when she was way too young to even scrawl her name.\u00a0 My wife had written the salutation with a little smiley.\u00a0 The card said “World’s Best Daddy.”<\/p>\n How did it get so bad?<\/p>\n Was I really oblivious to everything that led to this?\u00a0 She tells me how she told me she was close to wanting a divorce two summers ago.\u00a0 One summer ago, she’d brought up seeing other people.\u00a0 Maybe I was oblivious.\u00a0 I certainly didn’t make the changes she wanted to see.\u00a0 Am I even capable of making those changes?\u00a0 Do I know what to do?\u00a0 Am I capable of being a husband at all?\u00a0 A father?<\/p>\n Do you know me?\u00a0 I’m sorry things are like this.\u00a0 I wish I could go back in time, but to when?\u00a0 Last year?\u00a0 Before we had kids?\u00a0 Before we were married?\u00a0 I’m clueless now<\/em> how to fix things, assuming anything can still be fixed.\u00a0 It’s all broken into jagged little pieces.<\/p>\n I don’t want to go to bed and lie awake for hours.\u00a0 I’ve been getting pretty good at blocking out my situation.\u00a0 That is, I stop thinking about the problems around me, the future, the consequences, what might happen, what lies ahead when I come home to an emotionally empty house.\u00a0 If I didn’t do it, I’d be suicidal 24\/7.\u00a0 It takes a lot of energy to block out the hell of life.\u00a0 No, this isn’t me being angsty.\u00a0 It’s hell.\u00a0 I’m consigned to hell.<\/p>\n Maybe someone on the outside could help me out.\u00a0 Maybe it’s not as bad as it seems.\u00a0 Someone tell me it’s not as bad as it seems.\u00a0 Someone tell me how to dig myself out of this situation.\u00a0 Tell me if it’s just time to give up, throw away the marriage.\u00a0 No, sorry, the marriage is already done.\u00a0 We’re finished.\u00a0 She’s said as much.\u00a0 She tells me she doesn’t hate me, but she resents me.<\/p>\n I’m writing this for myself, but I’m hoping, maybe, maybe someone will read it, stumble across it, someone who isn’t a bot spamming for Canadian pharmacy sites, maybe someone will read it and know what to do.\u00a0 We all hope someone will rescue us, don’t we?\u00a0 Or sympathize.\u00a0 Or something.<\/p>\n The medication must help, because my stomach isn’t in knots right now, and I haven’t even been drinking.\u00a0 It’s keeping me from killing myself.<\/p>\n Is that a good thing?<\/p>\n I don’t have anyone to talk to.\u00a0 My therapist, yes, but she thinks we should just separate.\u00a0 We can’t.\u00a0 It isn’t financially possible.\u00a0 She applauds me for just getting through each day in this situation.\u00a0 She’s 100% on my side, and that makes me wary.\u00a0 I want criticism.\u00a0 I want someone to tell me I’m wrong and tell me how to fix those wrongs.<\/p>\n I feel as if I’m wrong for not mentioning the kids more, that they should be the bright spot in my life, the thing that keeps me going.\u00a0 I do love them, and I do, well, what can I say?\u00a0 I want to get better for them, but my shrink is telling me to do more things for myself, to try to find things that make me happy.\u00a0 That’s all I’m getting.\u00a0 How do I enjoy life?\u00a0 Is that really it?\u00a0 Do I just need to enjoy life?<\/p>\n I’m dead inside.\u00a0 I’m a zombie.\u00a0 I’m shuffling through the wasteland of existence.\u00a0 Not even a zombie.\u00a0 At least they want brains.\u00a0 They know they want brains and they go after them.\u00a0 What do I want?<\/p>\n Almost a thousand words and what have I accomplished?\u00a0 Have I opened up any doors in my head?\u00a0 Have I figured anything out, sussed out any of my issues through this writing therapy?\u00a0 I don’t think so.\u00a0 How many times have I written “I” tonight?\u00a0 Well, it is all about me.<\/p>\n I’m going to smoke and go to bed.\u00a0 Tomorrow morning I’ll pick up donuts and try to forget the problems, try to make it through the day until the work week starts again.\u00a0 How long can this go on?\u00a0 How long should this go on?\u00a0 This isn’t any way to live.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Every night I come home with the faint and irrational hope that something will be different, better, changed, fixed.\u00a0 Where did I go so goddamned wrong?\u00a0 How did it get to this point? This isn’t worthy of an entry.\u00a0 I’m just talking to myself.\u00a0 The blog has been delinked from my fazigu.org homepage.\u00a0 Only visitors […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[3,12,89],"class_list":["post-50","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-me","tag-depression","tag-marriage","tag-raw"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=50"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":98,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/50\/revisions\/98"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=50"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=50"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=50"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}