All of you.<\/p>\n
All your fear.<\/p>\n
I lie, inasmuch as I don’t know the truth. \u00a0Inasmuch as everything I say is some dialogue of script I’ve written moments before, seconds before, split microframes of life before speaking it. \u00a0And I mean it. \u00a0At the time. \u00a0But it all fades. \u00a0Truth is ephemeral. \u00a0It’s a whisper misheard and repeated with mutations and twisted with prerogatives and turned into hateful resentment.<\/p>\n
I’m drinking now, and I’m posting publicly. \u00a0Now, I know this is the wrong thing to do. \u00a0I know this is what caused some … some person to … to cause me to be committed to a mental hospital.<\/p>\n
But I won’t stop. \u00a0I can’t stop. \u00a0We can’t stop. \u00a0None of us.<\/p>\n
Just say it. \u00a0Do it. \u00a0Act what you feel.<\/p>\n
What’s more true than the words and motions queuing up in your frontal lobes, waiting to be spilled upon the world? \u00a0If they don’t understand, fine. \u00a0If they don’t understand and don’t try, it’s a pity. \u00a0If they don’t understand and don’t care, then fuck them all to Hell.<\/p>\n
Years ago.<\/p>\n
What if she’d been honest? \u00a0What if, instead of skirting around her real feelings, hiding behind some ludicrous fear, what if she’d told me how she felt? \u00a0Because, honestly, and truly, I had no fucking idea. \u00a0I didn’t know. \u00a0I couldn’t understand. \u00a0She’d try to explain, sometimes, and I’d listen, intently, trying — but it was all gibberish. \u00a0We were speaking different languages.<\/p>\n
There’s only one language we all understand, and that’s the rage and tears that spill from an honest heart.<\/p>\n
Fuck you all and fuck God. \u00a0What kind of world is this, where we can’t communicate? \u00a0Babel was never dismantled. \u00a0It was never finished as a vain, clever gedankenexperiment by a smug watchmaker of a God. \u00a0It persists, and none of us can relate to each other. \u00a0Our fears, our pain. \u00a0They can’t be quantified or qualified. \u00a0They’re boolean values.<\/p>\n
We are afraid and we hurt.<\/p>\n
And instead of trying to fix it? \u00a0We go on to someone else. \u00a0We think they’re different. \u00a0We think they understand us. \u00a0But they’re the same beneath a different shade of paint. \u00a0We’ll get tired of them. \u00a0We’ll find some flaw. \u00a0We’ll hate them as much as we hate the man we left, or the woman we left — the person we couldn’t stand to even try to be with anymore.<\/p>\n
Some goddamned cunt looked me in the eye over her bifocals at CPEP and said she had never considered suicide. \u00a0Never. \u00a0Never in her life had she just wanted to turn it all off. \u00a0Deluded, or a fucking\u00a0willful\u00a0liar. \u00a0She must have been a doctor, a doctor of the mind, a mesmeristic witch pretending to know how people tick. \u00a0Had she never looked at herself? \u00a0How can she even be real? \u00a0Just another slug sliming her way across the illusory manicured lawns of this putrid Earth?<\/p>\n
Is someone going to call the police? \u00a0Is someone going to say this poor man needs help? \u00a0That he’s in a crisis? \u00a0That he’s a bad father? \u00a0That he doesn’t deserve to live but he wants to die so you should put him in a cage?<\/p>\n
Fuck you all.<\/p>\n
Every Christ-fucking one of you.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
All of you. All your fear. I lie, inasmuch as I don’t know the truth. \u00a0Inasmuch as everything I say is some dialogue of script I’ve written moments before, seconds before, split microframes of life before speaking it. \u00a0And I mean it. \u00a0At the time. \u00a0But it all fades. \u00a0Truth is ephemeral. \u00a0It’s a whisper […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[9,3,33,12,5,89,31],"class_list":["post-290","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-me","tag-atheism","tag-depression","tag-fuckitall","tag-marriage","tag-parenthood","tag-raw","tag-separation"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/290","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=290"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/290\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":466,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/290\/revisions\/466"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=290"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=290"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=290"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}