No. Not really. It ain’t going anywhere, is it? It’s part of me. To “cure” myself would be to kill my self, and I don’t want that now, do I?<\/p>\n
MAOI is done. See the log up top for the final entry. Next up is “Viibryd.” As noted there, WTF? That’s one hell of a random-number-generated space-name. Sounds like something my character would be smuggling in my Star Wars campaign.<\/p>\n
I haven’t bothered to look it up. What’s the point? Probably the same as the others.<\/p>\n
Over Thanksgiving, I went to West Virginia. Although I’d brought the girls down before, that was the first time without any of my real<\/em> self-produced family coming along. I felt profoundly sad and out of place. Lay on the couch after the turkey.<\/p>\n Christmas went surprisingly fantastic with regards to the girls. They didn’t seem to miss a beat, or me. I was afraid there’d be some great trauma when they woke up on Christmas morning and I wasn’t there with mommy to open the presents, but apparently not.<\/p>\n They came over on Christmas Eve morning and opened my gifts to them. Highlights were Ani’s playable guitar shirt from ThinkGeek, and Celyn’s decorate-able treasure chest. Only three or four hours with them, and then I was off to West Virginia again.<\/p>\n The day after Christmas, a friend of the family visited.<\/p>\n A sexy friend of the family.<\/p>\n I felt old.<\/p>\n I left soon after they did. Mom cried. She always cries. I had to get away. Had to leave there. It didn’t feel right. I didn’t want the unconditional love of family. I wanted to get back to my man-cave apartment and drink myself into oblivion. So, I drove.<\/p>\n On the way back, I emailed an old PlentyOfFish.com contact on a whim. We made a date. We’ve been seeing each other exclusively since then. She’s nice, smart, sexy, and 38, so I don’t need to bother with determining whether or not I should feel guilty about dating twenty-somethings.<\/p>\n The role-playing has been going well. Still every first and third Saturday. Just did a write up on the previous session. My character, Kelyn, has become a full-blown sociopath. The end scene had him ready to blow a couple of his fellow party members and a few other “innocents” out the airlock.<\/p>\n Speaking of sociopathy…<\/p>\n I had my first appointment with he who would become my new therapist. A real psychologist, not a licensed clinical social worker. That sounds snarky. Sincerely, I did appreciate what the previous therapist had to offer, but I didn’t need it. I don’t need someone to talk to, and I certainly don’t need someone to affirm my questionable life choices. As I’ve told my friends and others: I’d have to rape someone to get criticism from her. Not just anyone, either. A baby. With Downs.<\/p>\n So, this new fellow. At first, Donald Sutherland. Then, Ian McKellan. I even cajoled him into saying, “You shall not pass!”<\/p>\n His initial diagnosis is “depersonalization disorder.” That’s a new one, huh? It’s close to sociopathy, but more a learned or trauma-induced behaviour. He mentioned he’d watched “Mad Men” and recognized the lead character as having it.<\/p>\n And me.<\/p>\n I tried to find the book he mentioned at Barnes and Noble. Not in stock. “Finding Unreality” or somesuch. 1996, co-authored by a doctor and her patient.<\/p>\n I got more out of my hour-ish with him than I did from my full run with the prior therapist.<\/p>\n I’m looking forward to seeing him again. He has the spark. He knows things, sees things. He speaks on my level. He appreciates my wit. Not quite as a consumer, but perhaps as a peer.<\/p>\n So, I am in the Washout til Friday. Off the MAOI. As I mentioned in the MAOI log, it’s not nearly as bad as it was with the SSRI\/SNRI. However, lately, particularly today, I’ve felt low — low dipping precariously close to the dark Empty.<\/p>\n The gin and tonic and Sprite and sour mix seem to have held it at bay for the time being.<\/p>\n Just a few days left.<\/p>\n I’m doing alright.<\/p>\n I still wonder why the wife did what she did — why she sacrificed the family for some vain pursuit of “happiness”. I want to know the timeline, the sequence of events, as related by her, that led to the demise of our marriage and our family. I still don’t know.<\/p>\n I guess that was the problem.<\/p>\n I never knew.<\/p>\n Never saw it coming.<\/p>\n Until it was gone.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" No. Not really. It ain’t going anywhere, is it? It’s part of me. To “cure” myself would be to kill my self, and I don’t want that now, do I? MAOI is done. See the log up top for the final entry. Next up is “Viibryd.” As noted there, WTF? That’s one hell of a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[14],"tags":[3,11,5,89,17,31],"class_list":["post-241","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-me","tag-depression","tag-maoi","tag-parenthood","tag-raw","tag-role-playing","tag-separation"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/241","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=241"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/241\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":244,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/241\/revisions\/244"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=241"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=241"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fazigu.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=241"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}